i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
