one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
