I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
We are all done wearing pants today
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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