So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
