We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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