CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
