Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
