My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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