I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
