went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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