3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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