I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My penis needs a shock collar
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
