This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize