Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
