Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
