my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
