so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
