So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
