My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
