glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
false alarm, still single
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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