Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
