Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
