If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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