you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize