You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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