Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
