We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
