Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
