she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
