then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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