I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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