The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
