I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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