This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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