just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
