Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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