he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
