Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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