and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
