last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
