I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
