Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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