how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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