yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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