Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
