Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
