New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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