I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
