I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
