Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
