So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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