I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize