At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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