Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
