pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
