I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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