I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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